


godforsaken

by sweetsindle



Series: Gifts/Requests!!! 💙💙💙 [3]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bacially: everything's the same only Sebastian is a caring person (??)/demon, Canon Compliant, For pigexns, Gen, Gift Fic, Happy 19th hon!!!, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sebastian takes time to stop and understand him, Will reflects on his job and attempt on his own life, birthday fic, he very badly wants to let it all out but feels like he can't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22784779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetsindle/pseuds/sweetsindle
Summary: ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʜᴜʀᴛ.ᴡɪʟʟɪᴀᴍ ʜᴀꜱ ꜱᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ʜᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛꜱ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴀʏ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʟɪꜰᴇ-ᴅʀᴀɪɴɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴛʀᴇꜱꜱꜰᴜʟ ᴊᴏʙ ᴀꜱ ᴀ ʀᴇᴀᴘᴇʀ ᴀꜱ ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴀꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴀᴜꜱᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀꜱᴏɴ ᴡʜʏ ʜᴇ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ ʜɪꜱ ᴏᴡɴ ʟɪꜰᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴏɴᴇ ꜰᴀᴛᴇꜰᴜʟ ᴅᴀʏ ɪɴ ʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴍᴀʀᴄʜ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴏꜱᴇ ʏᴇᴀʀꜱ ᴀɢᴏ, ʙᴜᴛ...ʜᴇ ꜰᴇᴇʟꜱ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɴᴏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʜᴇᴀʀ. ᴏʀ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ, ᴀɴʏᴡᴀʏꜱ.ᴀꜰᴛᴇʀ ᴀʟʟ, ᴡʜᴏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴘᴏꜱꜱɪʙʟʏ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴀ ʀᴇᴀᴘᴇʀ - ʟᴇᴛ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ꜱᴜᴄʜ ᴀꜱ ʜɪᴍ?
Relationships: William T. Spears & Sebastian Michaelis
Series: Gifts/Requests!!! 💙💙💙 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653784
Kudos: 11





	godforsaken

**Author's Note:**

> For the lovely Corvi - aka batsi! (https://batsi.tumblr.com/) Happy Birthday, dear! I love you!

"Pardon me, but are you...alright...?"

William stiffened upon hearing the familiar voice, grasping his scythe tightly in the confines of his grasped hands. - No one had to tell him what the person behind him looked like, who they thought he was, or who they knew he was.

He already knew.

Letting out a deep, irritatedly, tensed-up breath, the reaper shut his eyes for several seconds and opening them, hoping to the God above that this was a bad dream...or a hallucination at the very most.

He wasn't going to turn around.

He wasn't going to give _it_ the time of day.

Not today, not tomorrow - not _ever._

"You've been acting off the past few times the Young Master and I have been out and about, and I've been wondering if something's happened? You hardly seem like yourself! Usually, whenever you see us you immediately glare at me, call me unwarranted names - but recently, you've been ignoring me, and I'm a bit confused..."

He wasn't going to speak with _it._

He wasn't going to even try.

It didn't matter, anyways. Why did _it_ care so much? After all, didn't it have something to do? Somewhere to go? Presumably with that little, bratty master of his? Jesus Christ, would it kill that pest to at least find something to do, if he didn't have any orders?

"Uh...hello? Are you even listening...?"

He had things to deal with, couldn't that disgusting demon just leave him alone already? It hurt too much to even be here, let alone be-

A gloved hand rested on his shoulder. 

"You can't keep on ignoring forever like this!"

"Well," William said finally, his eye twitching in annoyance. "I can try."

"You say, as you finally reply after ten minutes of trying to ignore me."

"I'm still ignoring you, demon, I just did so you'd stop talking to me."

"What part of you thought I was going to stop talking to you as soon as you replied back?"

Oh, bother. 

He sighed, and shook his head, pondering if he should drop his scythe and make a run for it. This was his break, and there was no way in Hell (no pun intended) with this.. _.this **menace**_ **.** "What will it take for you to leave me alone, Michaelis?"

"If you would be so kind as to humor me for a bit - why don't we talk?"

"Don't you have a Master to look after?"

"Yes, but he's off with his fiancee', shopping. He told me to do 'whatever' while he was gone - I assume it's because he doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of me."

"What does that even mean?"

"Oh, you know...kid stuff. Anything that has to do with girls, Miss Elizabeth more specifically, makes him a bumbling mess. It's quite hilarious if I do say so myself. I like to tease him about it, so now whenever he goes on 'dates' he does this."

"When he usually does this, what do you usually do?"

"Any work I needed to complete - such as aiding my Young Lord in his Watchdog duties."

"Well, why don't you do that instead of being a pest?"

"Long answer; I don't have any work to do, as I completed it already before I even left the manor. Short answer? Because I want to."

"Oh God," William groaned, clearly aggravated, rubbing his temples before turning a heel, facing the demon that had been behind him for the past ten minutes, the slight smirk on said demon's face irritating him to no end. "What is up with you, and wanting to always be in mine and my co-worker's business? It's not your place!" he hissed, making the black-haired 'pest' smile even more. 

"I am just simply curious about your work, is that a problem?" It asked, giving William a look. "I swear to Satan on High, if you start going on about how I'm going to 'steal the souls like the gluttonous, disgusting _thing_ I am', I'm going to start pulling my hair out! Do you all have selective memory or something of the sort? I thought I told you all that I have eyes on my Master's soul alone, and no one else's." 

"Demons lie, Michaelis."

"Yes, but as it goes, due to my current contract, I cannot."

"Sure."

"Are really acting like this?"

"Around you? Of course. You don't even deserve to be looked at, let alone talked to," William sneered, narrowing his eyes at the red-eyed creature, crossing his arms. "You're an abomination. A freak, really."

"How mature, William. You know, as the 'superior' of your other little reaper friends, I expected you to not act as childish as they. Shall I lower my expectations?"

"Your expectations mean nothing to me."

"Riveting news, truly. Can't we just talk for a few moments? From what I hear from Grelle, you don't even use your breaks, assuming you're on one. Rather, you just continue on doing work or being 'stuffy', as she puts it. Surely I won't be taking up much of your time? My Lord and Miss Elizabeth will only be forty-five more minutes, and you've just been staring at your shoes for the two hours I've been here," The demon said, observantly. "I know we don't get along, but why not? We both have time to kill, and something's clearly on your mind. Perhaps I can be of assistance?" 

"Why would you want to hear about anything that's been on my mind? I don't want you to go gossiping on about it with all your other repulsive demon friends," William said stiffly, adjusting his spectacles. "This is private matters."

"Me, friends? The only 'friend' I have is Mr. Agni, and he's the farthest thing from my kind. Don't be ridiculous!"

"You're going to blab to your Master."

"Why would he ask about whatever you'd tell me? He wouldn't have even guessed that you'd be here today, let alone that you'd say more 'loathsome creature' to me before walking off?"

The reaper let out a long sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose, considering the possibilities.

On one hand, he'd finally get a chance to speak to someone about...his experiences. On the other, the _'thing'_ we're talking about is an untrusty, filthy, disgusting, two-faced demon! - Oh, what luck!

Surely, if he were to even utter just a single sentence he'd be made a mockery of _the beast_ until his contract was finished!

But...it...he had never really had a chance to talk about it - at all. Ever since he had become a reaper, he had practically shut off all doors to anyone about anything relating to his life before - or his suicide, his painful work as a death god...

He hadn't said _a word._

And now that all these years had passed with him acting so cold and closed off, he doubted anyone would ever to seriously _listen_ \- let alone, ever even want to!

No one wanted to hear.

It was fine, he'd get through it.

He hadn't needed anyone to listen, and he still didn't, now...no matter how painful it became, it didn't matter.

Or at least, that's what he had been telling himself all these years.

"William...?"

No one cared.

It didn't matter.

"Are you alright...?"

The day would pass, and it would all be over until the next, just like every day before. It would be fine. In forty-five minutes, the pest would leave, and he didn't have to think about what had happened all those years ago...what was currently happening.

He didn't have to talk about it.

Whatever the demon would say, it didn't matter. It didn't care, it couldn't relate.

"Hello, William?" 

Nothing mattered anymore.

Just like his life before.

"If you need to talk, I'm right here. I told you, I'd be happy to listen..."

No one appreciated him, and no one would appreciate him now.

No one cared in either life.

It was fine.

Everything was fine.

"You're crying..."

Everything was fine.

Fine.

Everything.

Completely.

It didn't matter.

His life before hadn't mattered, and neither did this, either.

He had a job, and he had to do it. That was it.

Even if he died, life would keep going. 

Nothing would change.

He didn't mean anything.

He was just another person.

"You're upset...Please, let me be of assistance..."

Nothing mattered.

It was fine.

Everything was fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fi-

_"William!"_

He felt a gloved hand on his shoulder. 

Looking up after finally snapping out of his trance, there the demon was, his ruby-red eyes wide with confusion and great concern, head cocked to the side. "You're crying, and with the look in your eyes, you're clearly upset. Would you like to talk about it with me?"

"N-No..." William mumbled, finally realizing that there were - indeed - tears streaming down his face. Embarrassed, the reaper hastily wiped them away, shaking his head in annoyance. "Leave me alone, alright? I don't need ears from a _thing_ like you."

"Your voice...you're eyes...they hold so much pain. Looking at Miss Grelle and Mister Ronald, and even...Mister Orthello, was it? They don't hold nearly the same amount - or any at all, for that matter. Something's very wrong, isn't it?"

"No..."

"You've been hiding something for a long time, deep inside you...I can tell. The Young Master did that, too...We talked about it, and he feels as if a weight has been lifted. I can tell - he's more relaxed, he can sleep more...his nightmares are less frequent. If it works for him, why won't it work for you? Come, we can talk. You can tell me as little, or as much as you'd like."

"..."

"From what I've seen, it really does help...I know we don't really get along, but can't we forget that for a bit?"

"Why are you doing this, Michaelis?"

The butler froze, clearly a bit confused by the question. "My, whatever do you mean, William? I want to help you."

"Why...?"

"Why wouldn't I? Am I not allowed to care?"

"Demons don't 'care' about anything other than then themselves, the souls they steal and the innocent people they hurt."

"Well, you know what they say...not every person is alike. Not all of my kind are the same, just like not all of your's is, either. The same with any other." Sebastian said to the hurting reaper, earnestly. 

"You're bluffing."

"No, not this time."

William looked up to the butler, giving him a puzzled look, just as he was given a small smile in return. "Are you really?"

"I promise."

"You won't tell anyone, will you, Michaelis?"

"I wouldn't."

He sighed softly, and walked over to a nearby bench, taking a seat, before patting the seat next to him, signaling for Sebastian to sit down next to him. "Let's make this quick, alright? I have to get back to my station soon, and you have a Master to meet up with."

"But of course."

William and Sebastian sat there for a bit, in silence. 

He was _terrified._

So, so terrified.

After all, what do you even tell someone like Sebastian? Do you just say something, and hope that he won't laugh about it behind your back?

Would he be laughed at, for this?

He was sure that he would.

That mutt next to him didn't care about-

"You don't have to tell me what you feel uncomfortable with. I understand how it is, with sensitive information. I'd be, too, if I were talking about myself."

"Yourself? Why would you be uncomfortable? What is there to be uncomfortable about, Michaelis?"

"My 'family'."

"Your...family?"

"Yes."

"You have a family?"

"Doesn't every being, in some sense of the word?"

"I suppose so...what is your family like?"

"Hard to explain, and well..."

He looked over to Sebastian, who let out a soft, rather weak sigh.

The butler stared at his gloved hands for a second, before awkwardly tucking a strand of his licorice-black hair behind an ear. "Not the best..."

"Not the best?"

"William, do you know what it's like to be disappointed in...? From...the people you care about...?"

A long silence.

"Y-Yes...quite a bit, actually. For as long as I can remember, that's all that...everyone's ever felt about me..."

"I...know what you mean. You work very hard, in what you do. I've noticed that."

"You have?"

"But of course. Out of all your co-workers, you try the hardest and give it you're all...and for that, I commend you. Others that work hard and really do try their best...I admire greatly."

"As do I...You know, I think you're doing well, considering your circumstances. They seem awfully stressful, with those servants and that Master of yours. How do you even handle it?"

"I take it as it comes, to put it simply. Every day is hard, but I get through it...most of the time." Sebastian said, with a soft chuckle. "That's how I deal with everything if I'm being honest. If I did it any other way, I don't know if I'd handle...life...anymore...everything is just..." he ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I don't know..."

"I know what you mean, unfortunately. Every day feels like a million years, does it not?"

"I for one, have to agree with you. Existing sure is fun when most days...ah, this doesn't matter. We're here to talk about you, not myself."

"No, it's fine."

"But that would be wasting time, and I know how you feel about that-"

"You feel the same way, Michaelis. Don't act like you aren't."

"Fine, fine, You're right," he said, starting to smile once again, giving the reaper a look. "We're both uptight pricks - not as uptight as my parents though, for which I'm grateful."

"Your parents were a nightmare, too? - Wait...you have _parents?"_

A sigh.

"My oh my, William, what made you think I didn't have parents?"

"Well, I-"

"No, it's fine. I'm sure most of you are taught that all demons that are well...demons, were all fallen angels...which I can assure you isn't true. My parents were fallen, yes, but not me."

"Really now...?" William asked, raising an eyebrow, suddenly curious. Demons? Being able to have offsp- _children._ **Children.** He had never even thought of that as a possibility before, but he supposed all beings could, so why not demons as well?

As Sebastian talked, William drank each and every drop of knowledge up. He was stunned. Never, in his life had he ever learned something like this! - And...how just...worringly...Sebastian's childhood had been very, very similar to his...well, as similar to a demonling and a human child could be.

Both of their families had always disregarded them.

Both of them had always been upstaged by their siblings, and other family members...and even friends.

Both of their work had been thrown away without even being looked at, for the sake of it "not being good enough".

To everyone in their lives, they were never good enough.

_Nothing they did mattered._ After all, there was always something better than their work. It didn't _matter_ how hard they had worked. It was hopeless.

Sebastian had always been bullied and ridiculed by his fellow demons his entire life, even now, still. Compared to his sisters? He was nothing - what he did? It was pathetic, compared to them. 

It hadn't mattered how hard the contract had been.

It didn't matter how efficient he was.

It didn't matter how skilled he was. 

_It didn't matter._

He'd never be as good as his sisters, so why give him the time of day? 

To Sebastian's parents, he was an embarrassment.

Why would you want to be associated with such a pathetic excuse for a demon, anyways?

Why would you ever want a son like him, when his sisters could do all he could, and more?

Worthless. 

Uncared for.

Unloved.

Used. 

_These were all the things that William felt, too._

How Sebastian was treated? It had shockingly been like how...he...had...

He didn't understand.

He couldn't understand. 

How could you treat your children so badly, as to make them feel like they didn't matter? Seriously! Everyone- it...it wasn't right!

His entire life - back before he had taken it that fateful day in March, on a cold, rainy day, had been nothing short of a world of hurt.

All of his brothers and sisters were all loved and were praised by their parents. Everything they did was wonderful, and was put on display for the world - everyone cared, and everyone loved them.

Him, on the other hand?

He had been stuck in the very middle of his six brothers and sisters, thus hardly ever giving him the time of day.

All eyes were on them, never on him...and it wasn't even like his parents had time - because trust him, they did. They were wealthy and had plenty of help. It was just that they never cared. 

Out of all his siblings, he was the least "special".

The least "interesting".

The least "talented". 

So he worked harder.

And harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

Harder.

HARDER.

It didn't matter,

He tried the best he could in everything he did, but to no avail. He wasn't his siblings, so it hadn't mattered. 

It hurt so badly. To try so hard, and to always be ignored? 

He would try harder.

And harder.

Some day, they would care.

He just had to work harder.

Then they'd care.

Finally.

Only...' finally' had never happened. Right until he couldn't take it anymore, never once had they cared, and never once had they noticed. 

_And...just like that, he was gone, after thirty-two miserable years._

"I'm sorry...no one deserves that, even if he does go out of his way to call me a 'menace' every time we see each other," Sebastian said dryly, stifling tears as he rested his cheek on his fisted hand, nodding softly as William finished talking for the moment. "My...never in all my years have I ever thought that...we'd be so similiar...I'm sure you hate that."

"N-No it's fine...Completely fine, actually. It's...Oh, dear...I sound like an imbecile..." William said, groaning, tears starting once again. 

"Don't insult yourself."

"Why do you care?"

"Well, someone has to, if you're not going to." The butler told him, attempting to blink away his tears. "You spent too many years getting beat up...only to beat up yourself. You need to go easy on yourself - I feel like this 'rough patch' of yours has been going on for too long...way longer than it should ever be."

"I...suppose your right..."

"Aren't you tired of hurting...? It's right for you to be so, but shouldn't you be out and about with friends...? To finally have a life outside what happened...?"

William nodded softly, running a hand through his hair, a sigh escaping his lips as tears fell. "I guess so, but everything is still like then. The job of a reaper is a horrible, thankless task. Have you any idea how draining it is to have to deal with death all the time? No matter how it was caused...it just..."

"You don't have to finish, William. I get it...hopefully. It's tiring...having to see the same, depressing thing every day with no real thanks? Sure, the pay is nice, but-"

"- Anywhere else? No, I'm afraid n-not..." William sat there, practically holding himself together (in every sense of the word) and took a deep breath, trying his best to keep himself under control.

This wasn't the time or place to show this kind of emotion.

It was completely unnecessary, and very much inappropriate for being out and about, especially when work was going to start back up again in several minutes.

For a few seconds, the two sat there in a silence as William tried his best not to break down, biting his bottom lip so heavily that it bled, and breathed so heavily he was starting to think that he'd pass out at any moment.

This continued on...until, without any warning whatsoever, Sebastian impulsively leaned over and enveloped the reaper in a comforting hug, causing William to officially break down, and burst into a waterfall of tears. 

"Let it all out..." Sebastian mumbled as he rubbed the reaper's back. "I know you're literally going to stab me later, but trust me, this helps," he said to William as he continued to sob, this time, not even hesitating to hug back. "You need to...after all, it's been too long. If you keep it all in for much longer...you'll 'snap', as the Young Master says."

Usually, William would be all for being angry, especially if it had something to do with a certain demon butler, - Sebastian Michaelis -, but now...how could he? Trust him, he wanted to hate Sebastian with all his being, truly!

But after all of this...?

Finally, after what seemed like two whole eternities of having the need to stay silent of his hurt, he finally had a chance to talk about it...and not just talk, but cry, as well. Something he hadn't done in literal years.

How could he continue to blindly hate someone that offered to do this for him?

How could he hate someone that related to him so dearly?

How could he despise someone like this?

He stayed there, in his former enemy's arms, sobbing like a baffoon (his words, not mine) for a while until the tears finally dried up. William pulled away, and took out his hankie, awkwardly wiping his remaining tears away. "I'm sorry, Michaelis..."

"I-It...it's fine..."

William looked up - and honestly very, very shocked, realized that Sebastian had been crying, too? "Are you alright?"

"No, I'm alright. I-It's just that this is...it's hard to explain. I feel like such an idiot...No, I look like one - both, actually. It's unprofessional for me to cry like this in public, or anywhere, really."

"As do I."

The two looked at each other for a second, before laughing together. 

"Oh dear, oh dear, am I surprised?"

"No, not really."

They both got up from their seats and stood there for a bit, before finally speaking once again.

"I'm sorry for taking up your time."

"Why are you apologizing to me? You needed someone to talk to. And after all, I sought you first."

"But I-"

"You're allowed to feel unhappy, William. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to let it all out."

"I-"

"You're allowed to feel, you know."

"I...suppose so, Michaelis."

"You suppose so? Oh, I know so - and I know I sound like I'm full of it because well...what I am, but trust me. You do, and most of all, you deserve it. Everyone does."

Just then, before either Sebastian or William could say anymore, the two heard footsteps, a sound of a cane, followed by a (very) familiar voice.

"Sebastian! Lizzy and I have finished shopping, and we want to go back to the townhouse. Let's go," A certain Ciel Phantomhive said, his big blue eye showing just how tired he was after three full hours of shopping with his fiancee, who was linking arms with him at the moment.

"Hi Sebastian! How was you're time while we were away?" Elizabeth asked with a giggle, hugging Ciel lightly. "I hope you had fun!"

"Oh, I did, my Lady. I met up with someone and we had a chat." Sebastian replied, stepping behind the couple. "Let's get going, shall we?"

"Let's," Ciel sighed thankfully, motioning Lizzy and Ciel to come as they walked off to go wave up a carriage.

As Sebastian started to leave, he turned his head and gave William a friendly smile before mouthing _'If we run into each other later, feel free to talk, if you wish'._

"Sebastian?"

The butler stopped in his tracks, clearly surprised before fully turning around, facing green-eyed reaper, his hands loosely holding his scythe by his side. 

"Thank you, for you're time today. I hope to be seeing you rather soon."

"I thought you hated me, William?"

"Well... after today, curiously, it seems like I don't." He said, a slight smile appearing on his lips, making Sebastian smile back in return. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're a little confused as to why in the first half of this one-shot, Sebastian isn't addressed by name, or he's only addressed as a "thing" or a "menace" is because of how William feels about demons as a whole.
> 
> He really despises them and thinks their all the same, and thus he practically treats Sebastian like he's not even a person, but rather just like...well, it's hard to explain. 
> 
> As the story progresses, to William, Sebastian becomes more than just "the demon"..., "thing", "it", "the creature", "the menace". Rather, he becomes "Sebastian", "him", "the butler", "the person" - a person. 
> 
> Basically: character development, and practically...a new-found, first-thought impossible friendship!


End file.
